Blue.

The sky was a brilliant blue. Bluer than blue, if that was possible. He loved the sky like this. He always has. It was her favourite color. He was spread out on the sand, his Hawaiian print trunks blending in well with the beautiful shades of the peaceful beach. There was a small sprinkling of cirrus clouds at the horizon and the water spread out over them in an ever changing, un-tameable expanse of cerulean. Beautiful azure, the deep richness of lazuli.. it was haunting mixture of blues. He sighed, crossing his hands under his head. The sun beat down upon him, burning and soothing. The coconut palms shook their green leaves gracefully at the caress of the wind. The sand was glinting gold, each grain of sand glowing brilliantly. 

He closed his eyes and for several minutes, he could here the gentle crashing of the waves and the rustle of palm fronds and he thought of her. The beach always reminded him of her. When he opened his eyes, she was there, right next to him. He smiled, knowing he'd always find her when he needed. She was dressed in a white cover-up, a yellow bikini tied at her neck. Her thick black hair gracefully fell past her shoulders and it shone in the sunlight. On her lips was a familar smile. 

"I have missed you" he said, his hand reaching out to hers. She held it, and slid close to him. 

"And I have missed you" she replied, running a finger up and down his arm. He sat in an upright position, cross legged, and they faced each other. He took her face in his hands and stared at it, long and hard, like he couldn't stare enough. He studied her deep brown eyes, her soft nose, her lips and he looked at the scar on her cheek. He stroked it gently with his thumb and kissed it. She closed her eyes. He held her to him and breathed in her familiar scent. 

Together, they lay back on the sand and watched the blue sky. Nestling comfortably on the hollow of her throat was a pendant of a blue butterfly, made of opal. His gift to her. He touched this and stroked her neck softly, finally leaning over to kiss her. Her body was small and delicate in his large arms and he held her to him, kissing her and recalling memories. Time passed on. 

The sky was now a shade of light gold and pink. 

"It's time" she said. His heart sank.

"When will you be back?" he asked her. They stood up. 

"I won't be back" she said sadly. His heart stopped. 

"No.....No! NO!" he shouted. He grabbed her and held her, and suddenly, it was who was she was holding him, supporting him. 

"It really is time love. I have no say in this" she explained. He felt tears welling up. He sobbed and he couldn't hold it back. She was holding him as he cried in her arms.

"Stay" he said.

"You'll learn to love again" she said.

"But you taught me! You taught me what is was. How can I learn again?" he protested, raising his head. Tears were pouring down his face and he noticed tears on her own cheeks. 

"I love you" she said.

"Don't go" he pleaded. 

"I love you. I loved you with every single beat of my heart. Those beats were numbered. But I loved you to the very last of them" she said softly. 

"No..Please.. Stay. I love you." he cried.

"This heart will always be yours" she said.

"Stay" he said. 

"You'll find someone who loves you for who you are. Someone who'll be around longer. When that happens, think of me. Think of me and know that I'm watching you and I am happy for you"

"No" he said. He held onto her and they held each other for an eternity and yet it could not be enough. The sun sank lower and lower in the sky until it was disappearing below the horizon. 

"I love you" she whispered.

"I love you" he said. He held her... and suddenly his arms were wrapped around thin air. She was gone. His knees gave away... and he fell. She was no more. 

Another afternoon.

He watched the blue sky. It was her favourite colour. His missed her. His heart was still hers. He never really got it back. 

Suddenly, a little butterfly with brilliant blue wings settles on his knee. He holds his breath. A breeze blows through the palm fronds and he hears her voice in the wind. He and the butterfly watch the sky and a tear rolls down his face.

She loves me. 

http://www.flickr.com/photos/greenmeangirl/

Pink Skies

Cold, dreary morning. 

The sky is a strange shade of gray and blue. Not the sad gray of a typical rainy morning and nor the beautiful blue of a July day. I drag myself out of bed to the smells of my mother's cooking going on in the kitchen which hits me even stronger as soon as I am of conscious thought. I don't feel hungry and this worries me. Usually my mother's cooking makes me drool and specially after starving the night it should be worse.. and yet no. I am stumbling around in my Pooh night-shirt, running my tongue over my newly brushed teeth and wondering what clothes to wear.

The sky is a lighter shade of gray now.

I get frustrated as I run out of choices for clothes. Finally I put on my oldest, most comfortable black top, favourite gray skinny jeans, a mismatched lime green mardi gras necklace and a red Alice band in hopes of brightening up my gloomy demeanor and slap my hair back into a pony tail. With the grace of a whale, I stumble around the house and finally get into the car with my mother. 

It's raining slightly. My gaze is the general vicinity of my knees. My thoughts revolve around college, friends, certain people, work and so on. It comes to a halt at my sister and I realise I miss her. I sigh and stick my freezing hands under my thighs and sigh in relief. The day is bleak and overcast, the clouds hang in the sky like pregnant women all the way to college. 

The panoramic lounge gives a perfect view of the sky. It starts to pour buckets and I sit with Mariam, Mandy and Mutaz; freezing and sipping Bru hot coffee from the canteen. The tip of my nose is cold and I wish I could stick my nose into it. After a breakfast, Jevon walks in, wisely wearing a hoodie and he and I talk random crap for a while, like we always do. I decide to have lunch with him and walk off to a boring Bio lecture. 

Two hours later, I miss my sister again. It's a dull ache. I walk back into the lounge. The sky is the lightest of lazulines with a strange sprinkle of the dullest aquamarine. It's almost like the sky is hopeful but not hopeful enough to have faith to be completely cerulean like the skies you get during the months of July. The perfect shades of periwinkle that fade into purple, brilliant orange, violent vermilion and spun gold. No. Today's sky is likely to fade into a depressing shade of sick beige. I try to optimistic as I sit down with Jevon for lunch. We have two helpings of rice amidst talking about Drunk Stories and vaginas. I don't feel so alone. Normally I would sit at the lounge and it would be full of people that I know and yet I'd feel so alone, so disconnected from everyone there. I know for a fact that I am not the only person who feels this way but it still feels crappy.

The rest of the day passes on with small talk and remotely interesting conversations with people. The sky steadily grows bleaker and grayer as my spirits and self-esteem plummet lower and lower in circling spirals in a beautiful sky-dive after seeing certain parties. Maybe I need to stop giving a shit about certain parties. I was happier before I started caring.  

I am heading home and my thoughts stray back to my sister again. I look up at the sky while driving down Galle Road. 

It's a beautiful shade of Conch-shell pink. It's also mixed with the pink of a perfectly poached salmon and I see mauve dusting the edges. There are streaks of gooey gold across the expanse of pink and the edges of these gold shards are a brilliant orange, shading even deeper into crimson. Fiery, fiesty colours, just like my sister. I watch the sky, mesmerised, not knowing what to think. It's like a brilliant canvas of an artist who lived in the sun. It's beautiful and I choke up. Everything is pink and it's beautiful. The car moves along the road and I can see the ocean, the beautiful Indian waters stretching out. I look up from my tears just in time to see the sun dip down into the horizon to wrap up another day, and for the briefest moment, the world turns red. I think of my sister, miles away, and I pray for her to have sunsets like these I pray for everyone to witness the amazing depth of nature around us, even in something as simple as a sunset. I pray for anyone who is dying to see such a sunset before they leave this world. 

The day is done, and even though I have no one to go home to, I'm okay. I have myself.

And I have hope.

Hope for another pink sky. 

To Unmask

It's 1430 hours. In more earthy terms, half past two in the afternoon. I am at the ANC lounge and Jevon is sitting in front of me, commenting on my status. He's like half a foot away. Yeah seriously Jevon. My new vent buddy.

To be honest, I never had a vent buddy.

To be honest again, I never write in such a personal manner. I always cloud things up with metaphors. Fancy-fi them. My own feelings, emotions, thoughts, I put them into poetry and words with a comparison, a similarity, an analogy of a sort. Always a façade.

It's time for me to remove this mask. If I don't, it might end up growing onto my face and changing me. Time for the raw facts now. 

I was speaking with Jevon and he and I both agreed: I live in Dramaville, USA. The funny thing was that when I was spilling my guts, I was laughing hysterically because I was watching my life crumble before my own eyes. But I was venting to someone who was listening to me, so I suppose it was something. I guess I was looking at my life as a person who isn't in my life. An outsider. And I saw how stupid, petty and silly it was. In most case scenarios, this was the case. Jevon picks at my half eaten food and we discuss various theories about my nutcase tendencies. It's a release. I tell him about my situation, the complete and utter mess my life is at the moment. I am sitting by and doing nothing and I am somewhat tired of it now. He tells me to change it. I wish I knew how.

I walk into the cool a/c-ed lounge and I am greeted by a "Savitchi" by Chanuk and Chathu. Their new name for me. How sweet <3. I greet them with a "Sup bitchface?". I feel good. 

To be honest I am a pathetic excuse of a human. I am depressed, unhappy with how I look and currently failing at writing because of the emotions that are stagnant in me. See, there was a certain person. We shall call him X. We all know him. He was the constant source of my inspiration for fourteen solid months. Now that he's gone... What do I do? I don't remember how I was before the last fourteen months. I don't remember how I went on with life before he stepped in because I had grown to accustomed to him, to having him around me like a constant shadow.

Well, I was the one who ended it. I am firm about it. I had had enough. But then I have moments, sad, terrifying moments when I am alone and un-distracted, I think to myself: Did I do the right thing? Is any good going to happen to me? I have doubts and I am constantly riddled with them. It's odious. I am maintaining a cool nonchalant facade and I force myself not to think. Busy busy busy is my motto. When you don't think, you feel less and your hurt less. I am benumbing myself on purpose. Thinking about my problems is like a dreadful jump off a cliff; you let yourself go and the sea and rocks below rush up to meet you but you pull back because you are scared that the resulting pain after hitting those rocks would be much greater. You don't think that after that crippling pain, you're going to be swimming with mermaids and watching sunsets faxed down from heaven itself. No. It's always the impending, oncoming onslaught of pain. It's the dread that kills you. 

I sit next to Lidush and Karthick and listen to their silly talk. I laugh and I joke with them. It's so easy to be around them both, they are such easy going people. I am glad they are around. I tell Lidush some painful things and I hold back tears. He listens patiently. I feel vulnerable as my mask slips away and I struggle to force it back on. As I watch Lidush talk about someone's female assets with Karthick, I am not really listening. My mind is elsewhere. I am feeling sad. I have been reduced to a person who has no faith. Am I really that bad? Am I? I don't know. I hate my appearance and I hate the fact that I have not penned a proper thought in ages. I feel like crying because of this. Writing is my forte, my release... and when I can't do that... it kills me. I want to put everything back together and go back to being me. 

But who am I? What is me?

I need to figure that out first. I have been defined as "me" with another person in the equation. Time to find my own definition. 

I want to change things. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I miss my friends, I miss being with them. I want to go dancing. I want a certain person (we call that person Y) to accept me in ways that I want. I need to find myself. I need to let loose and let go and lose myself in something and discover what it is like to be me again. But I don't know where to start. I don't have any direction. Life is a mess, messier than spare ribs in onion sauce. I want this over with. I have to make it work. 

I had to go home. I hug Karthick and I hug Lidush. He hugs me a little longer, putting unsaid things from the previous vulnerable conversation into the hug. I hold on because I am glad for that. Grateful even. 

As I get into the car, I notice the brilliant shade of pink the sky is, and it reminds me of my sister. It reminds me of my cousin and all the good things in life. I have been gray and black far too long. It's time I turned a lurid shade of pink. I still have no faith, but I have lost a little of disbelief. That's a good thing right?

I realise I know where to start. How to begin my painful healing process. 

It starts with taking off my mask.

The Treble of a Breaking Heart.

The night is long my dear,

it’s long.

The moon is alone in the sky

The slow soft breeze doth sigh

The song is sung,

it’s sung.

The sun is sinking my dear,

it’s sinking.

Look at the birds flying home

O’er the palm tree standing alone

The day is done

it’s done.

The primrose lonely my dear,

on the hill

Ere the fragrance soft and sweetest

Doth the light seem its bleakest

The joy is gone,

it’s gone.

The little young lad my dear

is crying

Crying out with his soul

A burgeoning loss of whole

He smiles no more,

no more.

The daffodils yellow my dear,

 in the field

Nod not their bright heads

The tulip doth not glow red

They smiles are gone,

are gone.

The lonely wolf my dear,

is cursed for he

Hath no comfort of Morpheus’s arms

Nor the gentle song and calm

The wolf is cursed,

is cursed.

The night is long my dear,

it’s long.

The heart will slow its beat

As to sleep go aching feet

Lying on the bed so alone,

so alone.

And o’er all this you will hear my dear – a new more foreign sound

A sound unlike any other. A haunting melody of sorts.

The treble of a breaking heart.

Sand Says NO!

There I was, the waves at my feet

The palms frond swaying to and fro

The water, it frothed, beat after beat

While the tide rolled high and low

His feet they padded, softly on me

With egocentric weight and gait

From his stance and form I could see

That it was going to be another date

His skin was black, so soft and sleek

His ears were floppy and huge

And when he stopped and took a leak

I wanted nothing more than refuge

When she approached, he began to rise

And wag his runt of a tail

She walked softly with grace and poise

Her skin was brown and pale

At once they were at each other

Exchanging tender love bites

The silicon in me it cringed Oh, brother.

And I wanted to be out of sight

And that’s when they began to screw

Like a horny rabbit pair

The wind it raced, the sky was blue

As they screwed on my golden face fair

No! I screamed, again and again

But their yaps and barks just grew

If sand you vomit out of sheer pain

I would have, let me tell you

I sighed in resolve, and closed my eyes

And sent my mind out of reach

And tried not to hear the sexual sighs

As those two dogs fucked on the beach 

Robbie: You asked ;]

Soft Twilight

The lonely bird walks a desolate street

A broken, road of forever it goes

Her head bent down, her aching feet

Threatens to slow her course

Her eyes they speak of loss and love

Her voice is cracked and hoarse

She once was a beautiful dove

Who opened life’s wrong door

The lonely bird, she stops to breathe

An empty shell of life

The path to destruction is laid ahead

To end her misery and strife

And yet the sun, it shines on her hair

Ebony and soft in the light

The canvas of life no more threadbare

Burns now burnished bright

It was always him, the sun so gold

That kept her on that road

The lonely bird is now consoled

By the faithful sun followed

And in his golden light she stays

Her eyes burn brown and bright

The road that winds for the rest of the days

Is now bathed in soft twilight.

For you, my amazing JNR. 

Infinity and Beyond

He soars on the edge of the sky
Towards infinity and beyond
As yonder light it fades to darkness
Amidst the swaying frond
Those black eyes glint like onyx
With luster of a diamond bright
His dark locks glow a gleaming soot
O, such a magnificent sight

He's a simple fellow during day
At night, he's the Lord of the Dark
His stealth is smooth and sleuth impressive
By neither a starling nor lark
In his eyes is his destiny
Calling out without any sound
The sun that beats down upon his back
Is enchanting magic spellbound

Those battle scars are evident
Yet the battered visage glows
The fire of a phoenix unmatched
As he travels the mysterious road
They all watch him from far away
And overlook his mystic charm
As he sings the song of life and death
Of chaos, of life and of calm

O'er the horizon soft daylight fades
And his spirit soars in the sky
As the velvet of the night slowly steals over
His deep soothing voice doth cry
Everyday passes you see him
Amidst the green palm frond
And as dusk breaks, you see him fly
Soaring to infinity and beyond.

Shades of Gray

The golden sand that once was walked
That glistened to burnished bright
Has lost its luster, and the refined beauty
Has softly faded to light
The ocean waves that once did froth
Now just lapped so slow
The Lazuline streaks and azure swirls
Not to be seen anymore

The palm fronds that swayed green and light
Lie so mute and still
The warm winds that once caressed the cheek
Now bring with them a chill
The Lily maidens that once smiled
Are now just glaring back
The rock that once seemed so stable
Is now showing signs of crack

The photographs once so bright and bold
Is torn, tattered and ripped
The heart that once danced merrily to tunes
Now not one beat is skipped
The guitar that sung so many songs
Now grows old in a box
The drumsticks that played many a beat
Now lie in a pile of socks

The stars once seen like angel’s halos
Now grow dull and dim
The velvet sky which held them in place
Is now just gray and grim
The sun that shone on a golden summer
Will now not show his face
The moon that smiled down on the poolside
Has her heart out of place

Take me back to those old times
When under the stars we lay
And counted the colors in the horizon
Which now has turned to gray
Show me again the green in the water
And show me the pink in the sea
But all turns gray, and all turns dull
It is how it was meant to be

Step backwards is fruitless
One step ahead is a dread
And yet the colors of those stolen moments
Lighten the dull gray dead
The colors are gone, it’s empty
The candles die at the end of day
And I shall look back, and I shall manage a smile
Despite these shades of gray

Goddess

Raven locks that shine like onyx
Crystal oh crystal eyes speak
Whisper words angel, soft and mellow
Make my knees grow weak

Creamy olive skin oh texture
Angel, let me catch your heart
A pool of thousand limpid curls
Care to love a man who's scarred?

The glow that shines on my face
Angel, why fail to see?
Healing light that shines upon
This shadowed and unloved me?

Speak with those eyes that shine deep
Speak to me your symphony
Whisper the words of love everlasting
Show me that golden melody

Let those curls tumble down angel
It's not a crime to say my name
Let yourself go, let me protect you
No reason to feel any shame

Unchain that heart and hold it
I shall hear your sad sigh
Angel oh let me kiss you slowly
Even angels do have to cry

Shine your golden light on me
Glowing like it always will
Sing to me angel of your worries and woes
Take me on a thrill

Let me be your wings dearest
That halo seems so alone
Lean on me dear raven-haired lady
Do not feel so careworn

Black haired Goddess, under the sun
Weep your sorrow and cry
My heart is yours, please let me in
It's useless the truth you defy

Say my name my name oh dear goddess
Let the moan leave you lips
Let me love you so, angel don't hide
Behind that dead eclipse

Watch those ringlet locks fall
And caress your dearest face
Could you love a man so damaged?
Am I blessed for your embrace

Smile again, let me be the reason
Smile with those chocolate eyes
I see through the mask you wear so well
I hear through your guarded lies

This heart of mine that you fixed
Don't let it shatter to shards
I love you angel, I love you too much
I see through your façade

Raven locks that shine like onyx
Crystal oh crystal eyes speak
Whisper words Goddess, soft and mellow
As this mortal's knees grow weak