Dear Ex-Lover

Dear You,

I am writing this letter to you today because I hope to bid adieu to you forever. I found out about your secret addiction to Popsicle sticks. I cannot be your ubiquitous, t-shirt painting slave forever. I am done washing your sequined hats and stacking your encyclopedias. I am moving out of the minuscule matchbox you call a house and moving into a new perspex and polyester home with vinly blue water proofed glass walls on the lower floor. I believe this is ideal for me as there are no soup bowls getting under my feet.

I would like my hot pink hair extensions, green broken light bulb, glow-in-the-dark panties and my Greek God trophies back by next Saturday. You have betrayed me in more than ways imaginable and you are a microcosm of a liar. I can not believe I went out in public with an oik like you! I guess that was because those days, you were very oily voiced and oleaginous.. but oleaginous is the last thing you are now! You are tiresome and odious! Your disturbingly stupid habits and ways tax me both mentally and physically to a large degree. Personally, I think you went through and Oedipus Complex phase when you very young. Honestly, getting as far away as I can from you would be very salubrious and beneficial to my health! Living with a flea like you is like living in an oubliette.
I expect a pay back of all the money I ever spent on you. I will be expect a check for a full reimbursement by next Thursday. If you do not pay the exact amount, I will send bounty hunters and tsetse flies after you. I have ruminated this issue for very long and to tell you the truth, I am too rubustious for you.. you are stupider than an Alpine Ibex from Yemen. You are very recusant.

I think you need to get over this salad day phase of yours. I think you have a bad case of Schizophrenia. You never appreciated my tempura and sushi making skills. Our relationship was tenacious, but now it's zilch. Please leave me alone without making my life tedious or I start to burn effigies in your form.

I am very sui generis, but you can't see that. Your head is full of unreal temerity. You vacillate too much for my taste. You are like a fluctuating thermometer. Also, it pains me to say this, you are seriously lacking in the buttocks department. You remind me of a terracota tercel. You are an unctuous ass until you get something. You are very unlikely to be uxoroius. Please note there will be no one to arrange your fridge magnets hereafter.

I am vehement about this decision. You are a gormless, neo-fascist varlet! You hate my gouche drawings and there you are of no use to me since you do not appreciate me. I need a vade mecum to keep up with your stupidity. You look like a rabbit with myxomatosis when you cry. Please note, I think you are an idiosyncratic zebu. I will have an idyllic life without you or the likes of you. I am sure.

Sincere Sufferings,
Your ex-girlfriend

PS: Give my regards to your grasshopper Andy