To Unmask

It's 1430 hours. In more earthy terms, half past two in the afternoon. I am at the ANC lounge and Jevon is sitting in front of me, commenting on my status. He's like half a foot away. Yeah seriously Jevon. My new vent buddy.

To be honest, I never had a vent buddy.

To be honest again, I never write in such a personal manner. I always cloud things up with metaphors. Fancy-fi them. My own feelings, emotions, thoughts, I put them into poetry and words with a comparison, a similarity, an analogy of a sort. Always a façade.

It's time for me to remove this mask. If I don't, it might end up growing onto my face and changing me. Time for the raw facts now. 

I was speaking with Jevon and he and I both agreed: I live in Dramaville, USA. The funny thing was that when I was spilling my guts, I was laughing hysterically because I was watching my life crumble before my own eyes. But I was venting to someone who was listening to me, so I suppose it was something. I guess I was looking at my life as a person who isn't in my life. An outsider. And I saw how stupid, petty and silly it was. In most case scenarios, this was the case. Jevon picks at my half eaten food and we discuss various theories about my nutcase tendencies. It's a release. I tell him about my situation, the complete and utter mess my life is at the moment. I am sitting by and doing nothing and I am somewhat tired of it now. He tells me to change it. I wish I knew how.

I walk into the cool a/c-ed lounge and I am greeted by a "Savitchi" by Chanuk and Chathu. Their new name for me. How sweet <3. I greet them with a "Sup bitchface?". I feel good. 

To be honest I am a pathetic excuse of a human. I am depressed, unhappy with how I look and currently failing at writing because of the emotions that are stagnant in me. See, there was a certain person. We shall call him X. We all know him. He was the constant source of my inspiration for fourteen solid months. Now that he's gone... What do I do? I don't remember how I was before the last fourteen months. I don't remember how I went on with life before he stepped in because I had grown to accustomed to him, to having him around me like a constant shadow.

Well, I was the one who ended it. I am firm about it. I had had enough. But then I have moments, sad, terrifying moments when I am alone and un-distracted, I think to myself: Did I do the right thing? Is any good going to happen to me? I have doubts and I am constantly riddled with them. It's odious. I am maintaining a cool nonchalant facade and I force myself not to think. Busy busy busy is my motto. When you don't think, you feel less and your hurt less. I am benumbing myself on purpose. Thinking about my problems is like a dreadful jump off a cliff; you let yourself go and the sea and rocks below rush up to meet you but you pull back because you are scared that the resulting pain after hitting those rocks would be much greater. You don't think that after that crippling pain, you're going to be swimming with mermaids and watching sunsets faxed down from heaven itself. No. It's always the impending, oncoming onslaught of pain. It's the dread that kills you. 

I sit next to Lidush and Karthick and listen to their silly talk. I laugh and I joke with them. It's so easy to be around them both, they are such easy going people. I am glad they are around. I tell Lidush some painful things and I hold back tears. He listens patiently. I feel vulnerable as my mask slips away and I struggle to force it back on. As I watch Lidush talk about someone's female assets with Karthick, I am not really listening. My mind is elsewhere. I am feeling sad. I have been reduced to a person who has no faith. Am I really that bad? Am I? I don't know. I hate my appearance and I hate the fact that I have not penned a proper thought in ages. I feel like crying because of this. Writing is my forte, my release... and when I can't do that... it kills me. I want to put everything back together and go back to being me. 

But who am I? What is me?

I need to figure that out first. I have been defined as "me" with another person in the equation. Time to find my own definition. 

I want to change things. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I miss my friends, I miss being with them. I want to go dancing. I want a certain person (we call that person Y) to accept me in ways that I want. I need to find myself. I need to let loose and let go and lose myself in something and discover what it is like to be me again. But I don't know where to start. I don't have any direction. Life is a mess, messier than spare ribs in onion sauce. I want this over with. I have to make it work. 

I had to go home. I hug Karthick and I hug Lidush. He hugs me a little longer, putting unsaid things from the previous vulnerable conversation into the hug. I hold on because I am glad for that. Grateful even. 

As I get into the car, I notice the brilliant shade of pink the sky is, and it reminds me of my sister. It reminds me of my cousin and all the good things in life. I have been gray and black far too long. It's time I turned a lurid shade of pink. I still have no faith, but I have lost a little of disbelief. That's a good thing right?

I realise I know where to start. How to begin my painful healing process. 

It starts with taking off my mask.