Neophyte Diaries

I hate love.

I know I know, such an oxymoron eh? Yeah, it is a highly ironic thing to say, but I am not talking of platonic love. So, in my view, non-platonic love is one of the most disgusting things. It makes one a fool. 

So, you build walls right? You have your armour, your guard and they are all ready for battle. No one is going to break those walls, no one will go past them and reach out to that soul deep inside you and the best part is that you won't let them. Of course not! That, is highly ridicilous! Horse-feathers! You will never entertain such a notion. All this undying, unconditional and un-whatever love crap is good for the pigeons. And no pigeon, chicken or ostrich will crack YOUR defense! You are super awesome and you like to keep it that way. You go on with life being the cool, nonchalant, super deatched, uber cool person you always were and you feel great. You feel awesome. You ARE awesome. 

And then some idiot/fucker/asshole comes along and fucks you up effortlessly. 

Maybe it's the way he grinned or the way she tossed her hair. Maybe it was a hug, a kiss, a dance, a bite or even a random slap on the wrist. Maybe it's their stupid adorable curls, their buck teeth, puppy eyes or beard stubble. Maybe it's the way they fell on their ass or the way they tripped over their own laces. Whatever it is, one thing is evident: You Are Buttfucked. All your defenses fall down like crumbled Marie biscuit crumbs. You want to sing corny, crappy love songs, you want to be all cutesy and possesive. 

And then comes the second snag: You Are Butffucked AGAIN. Why? Because the intial source of Buttfucking, you know the one that made you listen to love songs? It goes away. That person moves away and your are Buttfucked beyond your wildest imaginations.  And really, it's not pleasant. Hardly. 

So now, you feel naked and vulnerable. You let down your guard for this person. Or, in all honesty, that person wormed their way through your best defenses and rendered said defenses utterly useless, incapacitating them. You are left feeling vulnerable and exposed, like going commando on a cold day. 

Then you realise you are alone. You have no one but yourself to help you to dust off and pick yourself up. All the silly clichés kick. "Time will heal all wounds" or "It's better to have loved and lost". I mean, what the hell? Some smartarse comes along and quotes the Greatest Quotes They Think Helps You When You Are Heartbroken. You then feeling like throwing something heavy at the head of the idiot who tries to comfort you but instead you smile and say nothing while your insides seethe away in raw anger and annoyance.

You.are.alone. 

You have no one but yourself to hate, blame and hurt so you numb yourself emotionally and forget everything, distracting yourself with work and stressing yourself out on a daily basis just to avoid spending time alone with your own goddamned thoughts. 

Fuck that. Fuck all of it. Go tell your parents, sibling[s] or best friend that you love them. The above three parties are the least likely to dump you, butffuck your mind and break your heart. Out of the three parties, your parents would never really do any of the above highly offensive things. So seriously, kiss your mum goodnight and tell her she's fly. Because in all honesty, she really is. 

One last thing before I end this: Always keep in mind that when someone sweeps you off your feet... they are in a perfect position to dump you on your ass. :)